I wish
You could read me and how I feel some of the time. I also wish we could see things from each others perspectives.
“sigh”
Hi Tumblr, the last week has been horrific. Continuous work to be handed in and emotions running high. Feeling like you’ve failed, to me, resonates within my entire body on a constant basis. I know it was my choice to drop out of Uni and to come home, but I didn’t realize at the time how much of a failure I would feel in the long run. Also, comparing myself to others who have jobs, go to University, who have moved away from home own a car and have independence when considerably younger than me, makes me feel like a child, rather than a woman.
Me and my emotions are like a battlefield, we don’t get on, I try to tell myself that things won’t annoy me, but somehow my stupid fucking head convinces me to get annoyed, when it’s completely unnecessary. I target my emotions on those closest to me, which happens when I can’t deal with my emotions myself, it’s like I just want someone to tell me that everything will be alright. I feel like a constant burden, which triggers off my emotions even more, I feel that I should be pushed aside and ignored, so therefore I won’t have to explain myself and aggravate everyone closest to me. I get angry at the littlest of things and expect failure and ending whether I go, my thinking process is usually along the lines of “It’s too good to be true” So, as a person of my nature, I try to push all the good out of my life, because I can’t deal with it, or believe that something so amazing would actually want to bother with a nightmare such as myself. I am useless, I don’t drive, I’m epileptic, I’m poor and jobless, I rely on my parents, I have people from the past who won’t fuck off, I’m over weight and generally sick and tired of the way I am. I do consider things such as therapy and pills, but I am terrified of the result and or of who will judge me for it, of course, where lies misery, judgement follows, so trying to fix my misery, I’ll have a shit load of people judging me. All I want is for someone to reassure me and to tell me with sincerity that things will be fine, some sort of bullshit that will lift this away. I don’t believe things, you see, If you tell me, for instance “you’re pretty” my instant reaction will be, to assume, that you are in fact a liar, regardless or whether it is said with sincerity or not. I don’t trust in myself or my abilities as a person, I think I’m utterly incapable of doing anything good, seeing as the harder I try, the more things appear to become more tedious and complicated.
I know I’m not good enough, having a low self esteem and being angry all the time, is precisely why, I don’t deserve the man that i have in my life, I know he’d be better off with someone who is normal, flexible, relaxed and generally laid back. I am not, my complications come with a notice ” Where fireproof clothing when entering”. I sometimes wonder if I should be on my own, not for my own happiness, but for my other halves happiness, so he could live happily without having to worry whether the burden he is with, is having a break down or a mood swing. I dwell on everything i possibly can, it can relate from a ‘joke’ with an insult, which in fact, isn’t supposed to be taken that way, it could be from a past experience which hit me like a bullet in the brain, or it could just be a general criticism in which my coping abilities aren’t capable of processing. I have parents, of whom don’t recognize these issues and therefore assume that I am a happy fucking chappy, well ma, you’re wrong, I cry myself to sleep constantly. But you don’t know why. Try feeling the way I do, try being critiqued on everything! Try living with someone who when they don’t feel like doing something, doesn’t do it, but when it comes to MY opinion or when I don’t feel like doing something YOU want to, I still have to fucking do it, WHERE IS THE MOTHERFUCKING EQUALITY IN THAT
Emotional stability. I don’t want to have to fight for it and I don’t want to be an annoying twat. Not a happy girl. My feelings are clearly changing and I am becoming more and more hateful towards myself. It’s incurable and I think the only thing a doctor will prescribe to me, is pills. I could take that avenue and become a lifeless, emotionless moron, or I could just by annoying. Fuck it.
I don’t want to keep things in, I also don’t want to feel dismissed constantly.
Being alone just turns me into Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, when I’m with people and surrounded by others, I’m fine, but being alone with my thoughts and self, I just turn into a different person.
All I want to do is get a job, get married and have babies.
I don’t want to have to go through life feeling resentful and angry towards someones past.
You know, girls would be a lot more secure and happy if men didn’t have a choice of who they slept with, and if some girls weren’t so bloody stupid and naive. Seriously, girls get so fucking jealous and our boyfriends think we’re over-reacting, BUT GUESS WHAT? WE’RE NOT, the girls you had before us, are the memories and expectations you’re left with.
The system should be one girl to one guy and they should stay together, love each other etc. I mean, in the 30’s, 40’s, 50’s THAT WAS CONSIDERED, OH WHAT’S THE WORD? NORMAL!!!!!! And if a divorce was in the question THEN RANTING AND RIDICULE WOULD HAPPEN, but Yes, marrying the man you were dating was NORMAL. Now it’s normal for men to have at least 30 girls before they’re ready to settle into a relationship and now it’s normal for some girls to be stupid and gullible and willing to lay with anyone. I hate society of today.
NONE OF THIS “OH, WELL, WE’VE BEEN BROKEN UP FOR A WEEK, I’LL SHAG YOUR BEST FRIEND” SHOULD HAPPEN, get over it, you broke up with your ex, screwing his or her best friend isn’t going to fix it, idiots. I’m so depressed with the way society is changing.
Seriously, sex is just used as a game, no romance anymore, no actual love goes into it and it’s depressing, I mean, I don’t think I’ve heard anyone use the term “make love”, makes me wonder about people and all this “LETS HAVE A GANG BANG, YOU CAN SPITROAST ME” ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING?!!?! Nice one for the self esteem ladies, have two guys penetrate you and use your body as a goddamn play toy. Would be nice if people actually oh I don’t know, held hands? Had their first kiss, perhaps? Not have a quick meet and greet then go back and have a quickie.
Rant over, if I’ve offended anyone, sorry, but that’s just my opinion, I’m entitled to it, and I’m entitled to rant. Yes I am a female and have probably offended my gender, but ladies, this is what I’ve seen and heard about. And Gentleman? Well, what can I say, you’re just the same.
Some girls do actually crave love, love making, romance and affection.
